Jake's Cafe -- Tri Cities, WA

Okay, so I've tasted a lot of hot chocolate. That's a given. Often when people discover this about me, the first question is, "Where can I get the best cup of hot chocolate?" But it is not everyday that someone asks, "Where can I get the worst cup of hot chocolate?" Unfortunately, I cannot answer the first question but only the second. On my eternal quest to find the best cup or ho cho, I somehow stumbled upon the worst, at this erm....quaint...cafe. We'd been driving for 20 hours for the past two days, and at the end of the day, all I ask for is a decent cup of hot chocolate. But no. Jake's cafe says no, you can't have that. Because we are mean, ignorant somethings that isnt appropriate. First, a water based concoction. Like, gag me with a spoon! But you know what, I'm pretty used to that by now, so not so bad, right? And naturally, it came out of one of those dreadful machines. And I would assume from the fact that it basically tasted like water that they had set the machine on the lowest percentage of syrup which is pointless anyhow as it costs nothing to make because there isn't even chocolate in it. But, this isn't even the point! When the woman pulled out the COOL WHIP, I knew she had succinctly murdered any very tiny, itsy, bitsy potential for the drink to be palatable much less edible. My good brother once informed me that cool whip is nothing more that wax, flavorings, and condom lubricant. So the thought of putting condom lube on the 'divine drink' as Montezuma puts it, made a small part of my soul die, and I'm afraid it's never coming back. The worst part is, these people probably don't even know what they've done! Gosh, what do I have to do to get something so seemingly simple. Perhaps I should launch some sort of hot chocolate awareness project....If you glean nothing else from my ramblings, please remember one thing--Say NO to cool whip. And as Fisico would put it, cool whip is a "mortal sin."